"The tipton welcomes twins"?
Well, well, well.
Nice to see we're finally being appreciated around here.
What would really make us feel welcome
is unlimited movies and desserts.
Ooh! And a room with a hot tub wouldn't be bad, either.
You know what would be better?
You two moving to Guatemala.
We happen to be having a twin convention this weekend,
and I expect you to make yourselves scarce.
But we're twins.
You can't keep us from our peeps.
Wow.
So this is what we look like to other people.
It's kinda creepy.
You have no idea.
Ooh! Look at that cute girl over there.
Ooh! And there she is again!
One for each of us.
I already have a girl.
My beautiful Irma.
Your beautiful Irma happens to have
more hair on her upper lip than you do.
It's an unfortunate series of moles.
No, it's hair.
Moles! Hair.
Moles! Hairy moles.
Aah! Ooohhh!
Uhh!
[Groans]
I landed on my "a".
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have the suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Hey, mom!
What do you think of this outfit?
Does this shirt go with these pants?
Who am I kidding? This doesn't match.
I have to change. Thanks, mom.
I'm here to help.
What a loser.
Say what you want, Zack,
but one of you has a date tonight
while the other one is watching...
World's funniest truck collisions.
Hello?! World's funniest.
Mom!
World's funniest until I saw that.
I can't decide what to wear.
Well, here's a thought: How about some pants?
Come on.
[Trucks crash on tv]
[Both laugh]
Gold. Yeah.
[Knock on door] Come in.
I love visiting you guys.
The doorman always calls me "sir."
I hope you don't mind,
but I'll still call you "sir doofus."
Oh, I'm about to make fun of Cody before his date,
and it's always nice to have backup.
Actually, I'm here because Cody doesn't have a date.
Irma postponed it.
Until when?
Well, when I say "postponed," I mean "dumped."
She dumped him?
Oh, man! This is going to crush him.
Let me handle this.
This has got to be done very gently.
Hey, Cody! Welcome to the club.
What club?
"The guys who aren't dating Irma" club.
That's your idea of gentle?
Hey, I didn't kick him.
You're lying.
I got it directly from the source.
Irma told Kim who told Phil who told Ashley
who told Brenda who told Dylan who told Cole
who told me.
[Catching breath] It's over.
But why? What happened?
She got back together with her camp boyfriend.
No! Not joaquin!
The one with the 12-speed bike
and the puka shell necklace!
This is horrible.
Ok, buddy, this was a tough break,
but there are lots of fish in the sea.
[Crying] I don't want a fish!
I want Irma!
Come on.
With whiskers like those,
she looks like a catfish.
Moseby, something's wrong.
I'm seeing double.
We're having a twin convention.
Everyone here is a twin, like Zack and Cody.
Zack and Cody are twins?
Since when?
Oh, about 6 months ago.
Oh! Oh!
We should tell them about the convention.
Both: Sorry. Excuse me.
Both: Sorry. Excuse me
ok. You go right, I'll go left.
Which way's my right?
"I write with my right hand--"
this one! This one!
You two are the perfect couple.
Thanks!
I'm London-- like the city.
I'm kirk-- like the captain.
Well, captain...
I'd love to stay and talk,
but I have to have a facial for my "fashe."
Face.
Feel free to watch me leave.
[Growls]
This hotel is boring.
Yeah.
Hey, dab.
What? Go long.
Ok.
I got it!
Touchdown! Whoa!
Ha ha ha ha! Great toss, ab.
Both: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!
Look out! Coming through!
Hurry up, old man, you're slowing me down.
Man, who do those guys remind me of?
Got me.
[English accent] Excuse me, please. I'm Jessica.
Have you by any chance
seen someone who looks exactly like me?
Yeah! Last night...
In my dreams.
Last night, I dreamt that I was being devoured
by ferocious hamsters.
Turns out it was just my little brother nibbling on my toes.
Ok. Ciao.
I just met him.
Excuse me. Can I get a chocolate bar, please?
You can have anything you want.
I want a chocolate bar, please.
You're a man with a purpose.
I like that.
So, are you a twin?
Yeah. Are you?
No. My parents are old-fashioned.
They like to make 'em one at a time.
How about I show you one of Boston's most elegant restaurants?
Ever had a 7-meat pizza?
That sounds intriguing...
Or disgusting.
It's both.
So, how about it?
Thanks, but...
I don't go anywhere without my sister Janice.
No problem.
I'll take my vitamins.
I meant could you bring your brother?
That's another way to go.
So, do you think your brother would be into it?
Oh...Yeah, definitely.
He's a party animal. Nonstop fun.
[Crying]
Cody, do you want to take a break?
No. Cleaning helps me forget about...
Irma.
Oh. Well, in that case, the bathroom's a mess.
Dude! Good news! I got you a date!
With Irma? No, better.
I hooked us up with gorgeous English twins.
We're going on a date tomorrow night.
No.
But--come on. This is the best thing that's--
it's too soon to start dating again.
It's been a whole hour.
How much time do you need?
Until he's done with the bathroom.
Come on. Do it for me.
No. And because you're going to ask again...
No...Again.
Zack, I think you're being very insensitive
to your brother's feelings.
You shouldn't use him for your own selfish agenda.
Don't forget to pre-soak, honey.
What are you looking for?
Not a what, a who. A hot who.
You met a hot who? How? Here.
I met a hot who, too.
Both: There he is!
That's your cute guy?
That's my cute guy! Tell her!
Wow. Did you guys rehearse?
Both: No!
Kirk, tell maddie you came over here to ask me out.
Actually, I just came for another chocolate bar.
But if you two want to go out,
I could ask my twin brother?
That could work.
Oh, you guys will love dirk. He's smart.
Oh! I'll take him. I'll get him.
Hey, this worked out great.
Yeah, there's a good-looking smart one for me
and a good-looking... Other one for you.
There he is.
Where?
Is he behind the funny-looking guy?
He is a funny-looking guy.
Thanks.
We're fraternal twins.
No, you're not.
You don't look anything alike.
That's what fraternal means.
Ooh! He is the smart one.
Have fun!
Hey! I just polished that table.
Whoa!
Oh, and I waxed the floor.
Dude, look at you.
The suite is clean, but you're a mess.
You need to get back out there.
But you might want to take off the apron first.
I told you I'm not ready.
I understand.
Only time can mend a broken heart.
Thank you.
You got 5 minutes...
Because that's when Jessica and Janice
are gonna be here for our date.
What part of "not going" don't you understand?
The "not" part.
Dude, they're twins!
Gorgeous twins...
On vacation!
What they do in Boston stays in Boston.
I can't cheat on Irma.
She's cheating on you.
You gonna stay here scrubbing
while she's twirling joaquin's puka shells?
I don't know. Maybe you're right.
Maybe?
These girls have British accents!
Even when the dump you it'll sound great.
Which they won't because you're one terrific guy.
Ok.
Ok. I think I can do this.
Atta boy. You're the bounce-back kid.
I'm the bounce-back kid!
And you're going out tonight.
I'm going out tonight!
And you're gonna have fun.
I'm gonna have fun!
[Knock on door] That's the girls.
Irma used to knock just like that.
Irma!
Wow. This time he didn't even make it to the couch.
This double-date is gonna be so much fun.
Patrick always gives me a great table.
Table for 4, please.
Ooh! I see why Patrick drives a foreign sports car.
Moseby, where's Patrick?
He crashed his foreign sports car.
Why isn't rich filling in for him?
Rich is the one he crashed into.
What about Gary? Gary got hit by the ambulance.
This way.
This isn't fair.
Why do I get the goofus twin?
You picked him.
Before I saw him.
He's not that bad.
His shirt was sticking out of his fly!
Maybe that's the style now.
Yeah...In goofusville!
Look, aren't you the one who always says
"you can't judge a book by its cover"?
Yeah, yeah.
Aren't you the one who always says
"if you look down deep,
you can always find something nice about someone"?
Yeah, yeah.
Aren't you the one who always says--
yeah, yeah, ok, I'm the one.
Hey, girls. You look great.
Both: Thanks!
Wow. You are really good at that.
Ok. So kirk and I sit here,
and you guys sit way over there.
[Giggles]
So, dirk,
do you, uh, have any hobbies?
Taxidermy.
I like to stuff dead things.
Who...Doesn't?
I also read medical journals.
Did you know that 80 hairs fall out of your head every day?
Um, can we not talk about hair... Unless it's mine?
Sure. We can talk about skin.
Did you know that the dust under your bed is mostly dead skin?
Ok. Who's hungry?
So, kirk, do you see anything you like?
Oh, definitely.
The steak is really great here.
Did you know that it takes 3 hours
for meat to move through your intestines
so the bile can churn up the gastric acid?
I think I'll have a salad.
Did you know--
everyone in restaurant: Don't care!
We take each other's places all the time.
All the time!
Like, remember when--
oh, yes! That was brilliant!
What about the time-- with the hat?
And the parrot? That was the best!
You know, we've had some wild times, too.
Haven't we, codster? No.
Your brother seems a tad depressed.
More like a smidge.
It is more like a smidge.
But still sad.
Oh, yes, definitely sad.
Oh, he's not sad...
Are you, Cody?
No. No. I'm fine.
Never been better.
[Crying] Cheese stick?
You know, Cody,
it's not good to keep things bottled up.
Not good at all.
Bad, really. Really bad.
[British accent] Oh, not really.
It's ok, Cody.
Tell us. Yes, do tell.
No. I don't wanna bring anyone down.
Good thinking. It's Irma.
Way to hold out.
Who's Irma?
His gerbil.
She went to the big squeaky wheel in the sky.
How sad. Really sad.
Well, I'm gonna run to the loo.
And when I get back...
You better be happy.
Don't worry. I'm upbeat.
I'm borderline perky.
I'm not even thinking of...Irma.
You could always get another gerbil.
But this time I'd get two.
Just in case.
[Weeps]
Irma was my girlfriend!
You were dating a gerbil?
Well, to each his own.
Strange country, America.
No! She was a person!
Zack just said she was a gerbil
because he didn't want me to ruin his date.
Both: Aww!
She just broke up with me yesterday.
Yesterday? You poor thing!
You poor, poor thing.
After I broke up with Troy, I wept for a month.
I told you not to go out with an older man.
He was 13-1/2.
You went out with Ronald and he was 14.
Yes, but he was short for his age.
I miss Irma.
I miss Troy. I miss Ronald.
So, everyone having a good time?
[Crying] [Crying]
Hope you gentlemen are enjoying your steaks.
We're not having steak.
No, we're having seafood.
Seafood?
Yeah. See? Food.
Aaahhh! Aaahhh!
[Laughs]
Wow. This pasta is fantastic.
Oh! Try some of mine!
No thanks. I don't feel like sharing.
I wasn't offering.
But you can have my baked potato.
Don't you want any?
No. I feel like I can still taste the fertilizer.
Did you know it takes 6 bags of cow manure
to grow one bag of potatoes?
Can we please talk about something that doesn't make me...
Oh, I don't know...Gag?
Actually, gagging is good.
It heaves up old mucus that's just caked with bacteria.
London, may I have a word with you, please?
This is the worst--
this is the worst date of my life! I'm leaving!
You can't! He's not that bad.
He scratched his back with a fork...
And then he used it!
You guys are talking about me, aren't you?
No.
Actually, she was hoping you'd follow her out.
See, maddie? It worked. Tootles.
Look, dirk--
you don't have to say it.
I know this has been a lousy dinner for you.
I mean...I'm no kirk.
I'm not handsome. I'm not charming. I'm not funny.
Feel free to disagree.
Hey, that was kinda funny.
So you think there's hope for me?
Of course.
Look, you're obviously smart.
And you know more about bodily secretions
than any boy I have ever met.
Someday, you're gonna make a great doctor.
Oh, I don't want to be a doctor.
I want to be a male model.
Really? Gotcha!
See? You're not so bad once you loosen up.
Thanks, maddie. You're awesome.
I know.
There's this girl I met tonight
that I'd really like a second chance with.
Think she might be interested?
She might be.
Great! 'Cause I'm nuts about London.
Can you distract kirk so I can ask her out?
I think she's really hot!
And I like 'em dumb and rich.
Well, I know London likes them rude and soggy.
Did you know...
You're soaking wet?
Maddie! Why'd you do that?
He wanted me to help him land another girl.
What a jerk! Yeah, it was you.
Well, at least he's got good taste.
There, there, sweetie. Cry on my shoulder.
He's crying on my shoulder.
He has 2 eyes, doesn't he?
So, who's up for some video games?
How can you play video games when your brother's in pain?
Cody needs comforting. We're here for him.
We think it's wonderful to see a boy who expresses his emotions.
Only a real man is not afraid to cry.
Well, I'm not afraid to cry.
I--I cry at puppies and rainbows.
Oh, and I watch the women's channel all the time.
When Rachel broke up with guillermo
for the one-legged tennis player...
I blubbered like a baby.
Poor guillermo.
I need a moment.
Come on, Cody. Why don't we go to the cinema?
Jessica: Our treat.
Well, it might help me forget.
Wait! Wait!
Look! I'm an emotional wreck!
See?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That was soda!
Ow! Ow! Hey, look! Real tears!
And then I get back
and they're all crying into their pizza.
Well, honey, I'm sorry your date was ruined,
but you got what you deserved.
Is there no shoulder for me to cry on?
You pushed you brother to go out before he was ready
just so you could have fun.
It's gonna be a long time before he's comfortable around girls.
[All laughing]
I had a wonderful time, ladies.
Don't forget. See you tomorrow for breakfast.
Tea and scones.
Pip, pip! Cheerio! Ta-ta! Peace out!
Yes!
Zack, I can't thank you enough.
If you hadn't told me to get back out there,
I'd be sitting here alone and so depressed.
♪ Rue britannia, britannia rue the... ♪
[Whistling rue britannia]
[Stops whistling]
Sorry.